FF: Best Keep This To Myself
Apr. 14th, 2007 11:47 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
quaggyTitle: Best Keep This To Myself
Series: Things Not Meant To Be (Part 2 of 4)
Part 1: Back Against The Wall
Part 2: Best Keep This To Myself
Part 3: Tilting At Windmills
Part 4: The Honorable Thing
Category: Angst
Disclaimer: I do not own The West Wing or any West Wing characters.
Rating: PG-13
Note: Ronna's got something to say about this situation. For story purposes, the election of the DNC Chair is held every 2 years in October. I know that this isn’t true in real life, but if Sorkin can make 2002 a Presidential Election year, than I should be allowed a little leeway too! Again a big that you to![[info]](https://stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
caz963 for being my beta and to seri_scribble for just being awesome and for telling me if I tipped my hand too much. She had to wait MONTHS to find out who the Other Woman was!
Please read Part One first.
October 2009
This is not what it was supposed to be like.
I had such expectations at the start of all this. Debbie had shown me what her life had been like and told me what mine would be. I stood at the threshold of the Oval Office with such anticipation. Everything was so amazing and orderly. It was the promise of a world that never came to be.
Debbie never told me that Senior Staff meetings would often resemble a stock exchange with all the noise and the yelling. She never told me that very little governing would be done as a result. She never told me what to do when the First Lady marched into the Oval Office with the sole intention of picking a needless fight or handing out a guilt trip. She never told me, because she never knew that world.
Things hadn’t been good for a long time. The fractures had probably been there for years. Maybe since the very beginning. Now this.
I found out by accident. It was late and I wasn’t supposed to be there. They certainly had no idea that they had an audience. He was leaning against his desk, hands on her shoulders with his head bent to hers. She was trying so hard not to cry and failing miserably. Even if I hadn’t heard them speak, I think that image alone would have told me what was happening. I wanted to join Margaret in her sobbing.
Josh Lyman was leaving us.
I knew I should let Josh and Margaret have their privacy to discuss his future plans, but I was rooted to the spot. Call me an eavesdropper or a spy. I don’t care. I wanted—needed—to hear what was going to happen now.
“So are you going to do this?”
“I think so. At least for a little while.”
“The President asked you to, didn’t he?”
She was clearly not talking about Matt Santos.
“What the…? How do you know everything?! I swear, Leo was right about you listening through keyholes!”
“I heard the two of you talking at the library dedication.”
“About the midterm elections!”
“It was the way you were talking about them. Like you were already in office.”
“And you’re positive the CIA never tried to recruit you?”
“Positive.”
“No wonder our foreign intelligence is such a mess. The President isn’t the only the reason I’m doing it, Margaret. I’ve been planning to leave for a while now.”
“I know. But I’d figured it wouldn’t happen until after the election.”
“So did I. And I was certainly never considering chair of the DNC. But the President makes a strong case.”
“How much time do we have before we leave?”
“Margaret,” Josh gasped with amazement. “I didn’t… I never…”
He cleared his throat, visibly moved. This was so typical of Josh Lyman. For a man who gave unconditional loyalty, he was always surprised when it was returned.
“I never expected…” he tried again. “You’ve held this post longer than anyone else has held theirs. I won’t be able to offer you anything on this level.”
“I followed my head not my heart when I chose not to follow Leo like I’d originally planned and I’ve never regretted anything more. I’m not about to make that mistake again.”
This conversation was becoming far more private than even my suddenly laissez-faire conscience could allow. I slipped down the darkened halls of the West Wing, trying unsuccessfully to keep my emotions in check. This, more than anything else, was the worst thing that could have happened to us. But I wasn’t surprised. I’ve seen Josh’s frustration at the President’s increasing inflexibility. Then, at the Dedication of the Bartlet Library, Josh seemed different, less one of “us” and more one of “them.” It was a subtle change. He was more the favored son of the previous administration than the leader of the current one.
Until recently, Josh and the President had never been openly opposed. I realize now that there must have been times when they disagreed, but we never saw it. Josh made sure it never filtered down to us. But then Matt Santos did something that Josh could not pretend to condone.
It was only a matter of time after that.
Josh Lyman is a one-woman man. So it would stand to reason that the concept of infidelity would baffle him. But he managed to shrug off his bewilderment and work for men like John Hoynes, I suppose, because he never considered their personal choices to be something about which he could reasonably voice an opinion. But the fact that the President was now involved with a member of his staff meant that it automatically became a problem that would affect all of us. And if news of his affair ever leaked outside the West Wing, we would have more problems than we could ever have imagined.
Josh had always put the good of the country before his own self-interest. The way he used to look on Donna sometimes when we were on the campaign trail was heartbreaking. I never understood why he didn’t just ask her out for a cup of coffee. I mean, she worked for Russell, but it wasn’t like she was a Republican. Then I realized that unlike so many of his colleagues, Josh Lyman had never crossed the line with the woman who had been his assistant. Not even after she was nearly killed in Gaza. Because it would have been wrong. A man like that would never be able to understand another man who was willing to risk everything that everyone had worked so hard to achieve just for some sex on the side.
I’ve worked with Matt Santos for years and I saw things. I learned that many of the rumors were true. That despite a seemingly happy marriage with a healthy sex life, the then-Congressman would occasionally… look elsewhere. Especially when Helen was in Texas with no intention of coming to visit for months. He would find a young woman to have a quiet, meaningless relationship with for a month or two and then allow it to fizzle out. If Helen knew, I’m sure she dismissed it as unimportant. It was nothing to threaten what she had. Some people look at marriage like that.
But that sort of marriage could never survive the scrutiny to which the First Family is constantly subjected. We hadn’t even taken office when the first cracks began to show. And it only got worse. I wondered how I could possibly refuse when the President finally, inevitably, asked me to take his wife off “The List”. Surely, this wasn’t what Debbie had had in mind? But in the end, that wasn’t what happened. Josh instituted a policy in light of the war (whether at home or in Kazakhstan, he never did say) that the Oval would be at Code Word Clearance Only whenever the senior staff was present. And then he made sure that either he or Sam was staffing the President at all times. The First Lady was effectively blocked; which was just as well, seeing as these days, whenever she entered the Oval Office it was to let the President know that he was a jerk and a screw up and that the misery that was her life was solely his fault. (When faced with that every day, I guess it really isn’t all that surprising that the President would turn to someone who was his wife's complete opposite... someone who thrived on politics and the thrill of that world.) But Josh’s maneuvering put a visible strain on his own marriage. He wasn’t just blocking the First Lady; he was limiting his wife’s effectiveness. I could see the frustration in Donna’s eyes whenever she made her way over to the West Wing. She and Josh stopped leaving work at the same time and sneaking out for lunch together. It seemed to me that being together was too painful for them. I had forgotten how melancholy Josh had looked when we first met. Now I knew why. I began to wonder if this was going to be the first marriage to ever dissolve because of the infidelity of an outside party!
Then, Donna left with First Lady on the Chicago trip and Josh trudged into work the next morning as if the weight of the world was on his shoulders. I thought the worse had happened, but I was wrong. Margaret, who had been sick with worry for months, was actually giddy all day. And though Josh was certainly sad, he roamed the halls with a new purpose and determination. Clearly the Lyman household had stopped suffering the ills of the Santos’ marriage. And if that wasn't proof enough, when the First Lady finally consented to return, Donna, who was never one for public displays of lust, greeted her husband under the eyes of the President, most of the Senior Staff and a very disapproving First Lady with a kiss filled with so much passion and yearning I was surprised the two of them didn’t spontaneously combust right there on the spot.
Thanks to the First Lady, Josh and Donna have been apart more than they’ve been together these past few months. But they’ve apparently been making what little time they’d had together count. I don’t think anyone else has noticed yet, but in another four or five months, there will be another Lyman in the world. I supposed I should have realized what a baby would mean, though. But I was just so reluctant to imagine how this place could function without Josh Lyman that my brain refused to process it.
There had been a slow, inevitable shift during the campaign. When we first started out, it had just been me and Ned and our first loyalty (as much as an opportunist like Ned can be loyal) had been to Matt Santos, not this political machine called Josh Lyman. Bram coming on board heralded a change in the nature in the staff. He was loyal to Matt Santos above all else, of course, but he would give Josh the shirt off his back without question. Literally. After we won the nomination, the shift became more pronounced. Edie, who used to work for Senator Tillman, was the first staff member to have known Josh for more than a few months and it showed in the way the two worked together. Lou only joined the campaign because of her respect for Josh. Lester had actually worked for three years in White House Operations and it was clear that he would follow Josh just about anywhere. Then, of course, came Donna. As it stands now, most of the people here may respect the Office of the President, but their loyalty belongs solely to Josh Lyman. I don’t know what we’ll do when he leaves. Sam just doesn’t command the same level of devotion.
Lately, I’ve been catching myself doodling a campaign slogan. People would call me crazy if they knew what I was thinking. It’s an idea more than ten years ahead of its time. And even if that time should come, there would still be the difficult task of convincing him. But I don’t care. The thought is enough. It reminds me that Jed Bartlet was not the last of his kind. That there are still honorable men with brilliant minds eager to serve and willing to sacrifice all for their country. And I was lucky enough to work for one of them. So I don’t care what anyone thinks.
Lyman for America. Now and always.
Go to Part 3: Tilting At Windmills
Series: Things Not Meant To Be (Part 2 of 4)
Part 1: Back Against The Wall
Part 2: Best Keep This To Myself
Part 3: Tilting At Windmills
Part 4: The Honorable Thing
Category: Angst
Disclaimer: I do not own The West Wing or any West Wing characters.
Rating: PG-13
Note: Ronna's got something to say about this situation. For story purposes, the election of the DNC Chair is held every 2 years in October. I know that this isn’t true in real life, but if Sorkin can make 2002 a Presidential Election year, than I should be allowed a little leeway too! Again a big that you to
caz963 for being my beta and to seri_scribble for just being awesome and for telling me if I tipped my hand too much. She had to wait MONTHS to find out who the Other Woman was! Please read Part One first.
October 2009
This is not what it was supposed to be like.
I had such expectations at the start of all this. Debbie had shown me what her life had been like and told me what mine would be. I stood at the threshold of the Oval Office with such anticipation. Everything was so amazing and orderly. It was the promise of a world that never came to be.
Debbie never told me that Senior Staff meetings would often resemble a stock exchange with all the noise and the yelling. She never told me that very little governing would be done as a result. She never told me what to do when the First Lady marched into the Oval Office with the sole intention of picking a needless fight or handing out a guilt trip. She never told me, because she never knew that world.
Things hadn’t been good for a long time. The fractures had probably been there for years. Maybe since the very beginning. Now this.
I found out by accident. It was late and I wasn’t supposed to be there. They certainly had no idea that they had an audience. He was leaning against his desk, hands on her shoulders with his head bent to hers. She was trying so hard not to cry and failing miserably. Even if I hadn’t heard them speak, I think that image alone would have told me what was happening. I wanted to join Margaret in her sobbing.
Josh Lyman was leaving us.
I knew I should let Josh and Margaret have their privacy to discuss his future plans, but I was rooted to the spot. Call me an eavesdropper or a spy. I don’t care. I wanted—needed—to hear what was going to happen now.
“So are you going to do this?”
“I think so. At least for a little while.”
“The President asked you to, didn’t he?”
She was clearly not talking about Matt Santos.
“What the…? How do you know everything?! I swear, Leo was right about you listening through keyholes!”
“I heard the two of you talking at the library dedication.”
“About the midterm elections!”
“It was the way you were talking about them. Like you were already in office.”
“And you’re positive the CIA never tried to recruit you?”
“Positive.”
“No wonder our foreign intelligence is such a mess. The President isn’t the only the reason I’m doing it, Margaret. I’ve been planning to leave for a while now.”
“I know. But I’d figured it wouldn’t happen until after the election.”
“So did I. And I was certainly never considering chair of the DNC. But the President makes a strong case.”
“How much time do we have before we leave?”
“Margaret,” Josh gasped with amazement. “I didn’t… I never…”
He cleared his throat, visibly moved. This was so typical of Josh Lyman. For a man who gave unconditional loyalty, he was always surprised when it was returned.
“I never expected…” he tried again. “You’ve held this post longer than anyone else has held theirs. I won’t be able to offer you anything on this level.”
“I followed my head not my heart when I chose not to follow Leo like I’d originally planned and I’ve never regretted anything more. I’m not about to make that mistake again.”
This conversation was becoming far more private than even my suddenly laissez-faire conscience could allow. I slipped down the darkened halls of the West Wing, trying unsuccessfully to keep my emotions in check. This, more than anything else, was the worst thing that could have happened to us. But I wasn’t surprised. I’ve seen Josh’s frustration at the President’s increasing inflexibility. Then, at the Dedication of the Bartlet Library, Josh seemed different, less one of “us” and more one of “them.” It was a subtle change. He was more the favored son of the previous administration than the leader of the current one.
Until recently, Josh and the President had never been openly opposed. I realize now that there must have been times when they disagreed, but we never saw it. Josh made sure it never filtered down to us. But then Matt Santos did something that Josh could not pretend to condone.
It was only a matter of time after that.
Josh Lyman is a one-woman man. So it would stand to reason that the concept of infidelity would baffle him. But he managed to shrug off his bewilderment and work for men like John Hoynes, I suppose, because he never considered their personal choices to be something about which he could reasonably voice an opinion. But the fact that the President was now involved with a member of his staff meant that it automatically became a problem that would affect all of us. And if news of his affair ever leaked outside the West Wing, we would have more problems than we could ever have imagined.
Josh had always put the good of the country before his own self-interest. The way he used to look on Donna sometimes when we were on the campaign trail was heartbreaking. I never understood why he didn’t just ask her out for a cup of coffee. I mean, she worked for Russell, but it wasn’t like she was a Republican. Then I realized that unlike so many of his colleagues, Josh Lyman had never crossed the line with the woman who had been his assistant. Not even after she was nearly killed in Gaza. Because it would have been wrong. A man like that would never be able to understand another man who was willing to risk everything that everyone had worked so hard to achieve just for some sex on the side.
I’ve worked with Matt Santos for years and I saw things. I learned that many of the rumors were true. That despite a seemingly happy marriage with a healthy sex life, the then-Congressman would occasionally… look elsewhere. Especially when Helen was in Texas with no intention of coming to visit for months. He would find a young woman to have a quiet, meaningless relationship with for a month or two and then allow it to fizzle out. If Helen knew, I’m sure she dismissed it as unimportant. It was nothing to threaten what she had. Some people look at marriage like that.
But that sort of marriage could never survive the scrutiny to which the First Family is constantly subjected. We hadn’t even taken office when the first cracks began to show. And it only got worse. I wondered how I could possibly refuse when the President finally, inevitably, asked me to take his wife off “The List”. Surely, this wasn’t what Debbie had had in mind? But in the end, that wasn’t what happened. Josh instituted a policy in light of the war (whether at home or in Kazakhstan, he never did say) that the Oval would be at Code Word Clearance Only whenever the senior staff was present. And then he made sure that either he or Sam was staffing the President at all times. The First Lady was effectively blocked; which was just as well, seeing as these days, whenever she entered the Oval Office it was to let the President know that he was a jerk and a screw up and that the misery that was her life was solely his fault. (When faced with that every day, I guess it really isn’t all that surprising that the President would turn to someone who was his wife's complete opposite... someone who thrived on politics and the thrill of that world.) But Josh’s maneuvering put a visible strain on his own marriage. He wasn’t just blocking the First Lady; he was limiting his wife’s effectiveness. I could see the frustration in Donna’s eyes whenever she made her way over to the West Wing. She and Josh stopped leaving work at the same time and sneaking out for lunch together. It seemed to me that being together was too painful for them. I had forgotten how melancholy Josh had looked when we first met. Now I knew why. I began to wonder if this was going to be the first marriage to ever dissolve because of the infidelity of an outside party!
Then, Donna left with First Lady on the Chicago trip and Josh trudged into work the next morning as if the weight of the world was on his shoulders. I thought the worse had happened, but I was wrong. Margaret, who had been sick with worry for months, was actually giddy all day. And though Josh was certainly sad, he roamed the halls with a new purpose and determination. Clearly the Lyman household had stopped suffering the ills of the Santos’ marriage. And if that wasn't proof enough, when the First Lady finally consented to return, Donna, who was never one for public displays of lust, greeted her husband under the eyes of the President, most of the Senior Staff and a very disapproving First Lady with a kiss filled with so much passion and yearning I was surprised the two of them didn’t spontaneously combust right there on the spot.
Thanks to the First Lady, Josh and Donna have been apart more than they’ve been together these past few months. But they’ve apparently been making what little time they’d had together count. I don’t think anyone else has noticed yet, but in another four or five months, there will be another Lyman in the world. I supposed I should have realized what a baby would mean, though. But I was just so reluctant to imagine how this place could function without Josh Lyman that my brain refused to process it.
There had been a slow, inevitable shift during the campaign. When we first started out, it had just been me and Ned and our first loyalty (as much as an opportunist like Ned can be loyal) had been to Matt Santos, not this political machine called Josh Lyman. Bram coming on board heralded a change in the nature in the staff. He was loyal to Matt Santos above all else, of course, but he would give Josh the shirt off his back without question. Literally. After we won the nomination, the shift became more pronounced. Edie, who used to work for Senator Tillman, was the first staff member to have known Josh for more than a few months and it showed in the way the two worked together. Lou only joined the campaign because of her respect for Josh. Lester had actually worked for three years in White House Operations and it was clear that he would follow Josh just about anywhere. Then, of course, came Donna. As it stands now, most of the people here may respect the Office of the President, but their loyalty belongs solely to Josh Lyman. I don’t know what we’ll do when he leaves. Sam just doesn’t command the same level of devotion.
Lately, I’ve been catching myself doodling a campaign slogan. People would call me crazy if they knew what I was thinking. It’s an idea more than ten years ahead of its time. And even if that time should come, there would still be the difficult task of convincing him. But I don’t care. The thought is enough. It reminds me that Jed Bartlet was not the last of his kind. That there are still honorable men with brilliant minds eager to serve and willing to sacrifice all for their country. And I was lucky enough to work for one of them. So I don’t care what anyone thinks.
Lyman for America. Now and always.
Go to Part 3: Tilting At Windmills
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Date: 2007-05-02 11:22 pm (UTC)