FF: This Is Not A Test
May. 8th, 2006 12:20 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
quaggyTitle: This Is Not A Test
Rating: TEEN
Category: Post-Ep for Institutional Memory
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters or this show.
Archiving permission: Sure, just tell me first.
AN: This isn't a J/D fic!!! Ok... Yes, Josh and Donna are in it. I am still a Keytus Kid, after all! But it really is a CJ fic. Actually, it's a CJ/Toby fic... I hope that doesn't offend anyone. I love CJ and Danny together and I hope they live happily ever after, but there was just this stray vibe I picked up when I was watching the show and I wound up running with it.
Six years after the end of the Bartlet Administration…
You were behind the learning curve on this one. You all were. Sam, Josh, Donna, Will… Even Toby. Each of you fumbling with skills that most master in their twenties. But even within your close knit circle, you were the one lagging behind the others, still unable to navigate the intricacies of a committed partnership. It wasn’t your failed marriage that puts you in last place. It was the fact that it has taken you this long to gather enough courage to stand in front of door of the only man you could ever picture spending an eternity just talking to with the sole purpose of telling him just that.
Now if you could only bring yourself to knock.
A few years ago, you had gone to visit Donna when she was seven months pregnant with Leonora and discovered your friend practically in tears. She was sacred that she wasn’t going to be a good mother. Scared that she would want to stay home when the baby came. Scared that she wouldn’t. Just scared in general.
“How can I raise a child?” she had wailed. “I’m slow! It took me almost three years to realize I had fallen in love with Josh five minutes after meeting him. And then it took me another six to do anything about it!!! I can’t have a kid! By the time, I get the diaper thing down, she’ll be ready for college!”
You managed to soothe Donna with some reassuring words about the speed and efficiency she had demonstrated in the White House for over a decade, some chocolate and a discreet phone call to Josh who had dropped everything and raced over to the East Wing. (How the boy had gone from the remedial class with you to the honors program in a matter of months had always amazed you.) But, the entire time, part of your mind had been kicking yourself for your gut reaction to Donna’s rant.
-Ten years?- you had thought. –That’s nothing. Toby and I have known each other for almost thirty years!- But then you remembered Danny and Emma and you were nearly crushed under the weight of your guilt.
You feel guilty a lot. You feel guilty about being envious of Josh and Donna’s relationship from the moment they had returned from Hawaii, tanned and in love, because you had the same thing within your grasp. You felt guilty when you watched them talk in that strange condensed language of theirs, because you and Danny would never be able to communicate like that. You felt guilty because you loved Emma more. You felt guilty anytime you picked up the phone to talk to Toby. You felt guilty when you heard Donna and Josh joke about his old habit of stumbling into a relationship and waiting for whoever it was to break up with him because you did the exact same thing to Danny. And you will always feel guilty that Danny is your Amy Gardner.
But tonight for the first time in a long time, you had left the guilt behind. The time for training is over. (You never really needed any, if you are truthful with yourself. It was all just an excuse.) You are not going to make the same mistakes this time around. This is real and you do not want to mess this up. You will do whatever it takes, because the alternative is too horrible to contemplate. Which means you have to knock on that door.
It’s now or never, you finally decide and rap quickly before you can change your mind. He greets you gently when he opens the door. He always treated you so gently. And somehow under his gaze it’s suddenly very easy to say everything you need to.
“You asked me six years ago what I wanted. I told you I didn’t know. But I was lying. I knew. I was scarred, but I knew. I want to be here. With you. If you let me.”
There were those in Washington who would disbelieve that Toby Ziegler could ever smile like that. They are all fools.
“I’ve been waiting,” he replies as he let you in.
You were behind the learning curve on this one. You all were. Sam, Josh, Donna, Will… Even Toby. Each of you fumbling with skills that most master in their twenties. But even within your close knit circle, you were the one lagging behind the others, still unable to navigate the intricacies of a committed partnership. It wasn’t your failed marriage that puts you in last place. It was the fact that it has taken you this long to gather enough courage to stand in front of door of the only man you could ever picture spending an eternity just talking to with the sole purpose of telling him just that.
Now if you could only bring yourself to knock.
A few years ago, you had gone to visit Donna when she was seven months pregnant with Leonora and discovered your friend practically in tears. She was sacred that she wasn’t going to be a good mother. Scared that she would want to stay home when the baby came. Scared that she wouldn’t. Just scared in general.
“How can I raise a child?” she had wailed. “I’m slow! It took me almost three years to realize I had fallen in love with Josh five minutes after meeting him. And then it took me another six to do anything about it!!! I can’t have a kid! By the time, I get the diaper thing down, she’ll be ready for college!”
You managed to soothe Donna with some reassuring words about the speed and efficiency she had demonstrated in the White House for over a decade, some chocolate and a discreet phone call to Josh who had dropped everything and raced over to the East Wing. (How the boy had gone from the remedial class with you to the honors program in a matter of months had always amazed you.) But, the entire time, part of your mind had been kicking yourself for your gut reaction to Donna’s rant.
-Ten years?- you had thought. –That’s nothing. Toby and I have known each other for almost thirty years!- But then you remembered Danny and Emma and you were nearly crushed under the weight of your guilt.
You feel guilty a lot. You feel guilty about being envious of Josh and Donna’s relationship from the moment they had returned from Hawaii, tanned and in love, because you had the same thing within your grasp. You felt guilty when you watched them talk in that strange condensed language of theirs, because you and Danny would never be able to communicate like that. You felt guilty because you loved Emma more. You felt guilty anytime you picked up the phone to talk to Toby. You felt guilty when you heard Donna and Josh joke about his old habit of stumbling into a relationship and waiting for whoever it was to break up with him because you did the exact same thing to Danny. And you will always feel guilty that Danny is your Amy Gardner.
But tonight for the first time in a long time, you had left the guilt behind. The time for training is over. (You never really needed any, if you are truthful with yourself. It was all just an excuse.) You are not going to make the same mistakes this time around. This is real and you do not want to mess this up. You will do whatever it takes, because the alternative is too horrible to contemplate. Which means you have to knock on that door.
It’s now or never, you finally decide and rap quickly before you can change your mind. He greets you gently when he opens the door. He always treated you so gently. And somehow under his gaze it’s suddenly very easy to say everything you need to.
“You asked me six years ago what I wanted. I told you I didn’t know. But I was lying. I knew. I was scarred, but I knew. I want to be here. With you. If you let me.”
There were those in Washington who would disbelieve that Toby Ziegler could ever smile like that. They are all fools.
“I’ve been waiting,” he replies as he let you in.
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no subject
Date: 2006-05-08 12:51 pm (UTC)I don't usually read CJ fics (except the odd ensemble one) but this was sad and beautiful and I enjoyed that you address the mess of CJ/Danny, CJ/Toby, which I've never really understood. I think she and Danny are cute but all the history and depth is with her and Toby's relationship, and I wish we'd seen more. Of course I haven't seen tonights ep so maybe you did?
no subject
Date: 2006-05-08 02:24 pm (UTC)It’s funny. Neither one appeared in the episode, but I came off the episode with just so much more confidence on the success of Josh and Donna’s relationship. There was something about the way CJ and Danny got together last night… I couldn’t help but compare it to Donna’s four week “nultimatum.” Danny seemed to just keep backing CJ into a wall, while Donna (probably because she was trying so hard not to mess this up) was just trying to make this as easy as possible for Josh.
Then, CJ went to see Toby and it all just came so easy. They were talking in ways the she and Danny weren’t. There was all the history there and the deep understanding that each have for each other. CJ has always been able to depend on Toby like no other. And then when he watched her go… The fic sort of wrote itself.
Lovely
Date: 2006-05-08 10:20 pm (UTC)Re: Lovely
Date: 2006-05-09 01:31 am (UTC)The thing is I don't think there is anyone else in this world that can make Toby happy other than CJ. And I don't think there is anyone who understands her as deeply as Toby does. I'm not sure if that makes me a shipper. But I don't think I mind either way.
Gorgeous!
Date: 2006-05-09 02:36 am (UTC)I don't know if I ever really shipped a specific CJ pairing before. I really liked her with Simon and found CJ/Danny adorable, but I wouldn't have been overly bummed if they hadn't worked out. One CJ ship I didn't really get was the CJ/Toby ship. (I always liked Toby/Andy.)
Ironically, in the same episode where CJ/Danny got wrapped up so sweetly, I finally felt CJ/Toby as something more than just good friends/colleagues. I guess they were never meant to be but it does make for great fanfic. I wouldn't have necessarily sought it out but I'm glad I stumbled upon it.
Great job!
Re: Gorgeous!
Date: 2006-05-09 09:52 pm (UTC)I liked the idead of CJ and Toby together, but it never reached the level of my J/D focus. I was totally cool with CJ winding up with Danny and after Internal Displacement, I was all for their relationship... But there was something about this episode that made me wish for things not meant to be.
it's funny...
Date: 2006-05-13 04:48 am (UTC)Re: it's funny...
Date: 2006-05-14 04:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-14 05:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-14 08:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-14 08:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-06-28 03:10 pm (UTC)This is the one that keeps drawing me in. Making me think. Turning me into a puddle of mush. Absolutely lovely and perfect and so CJ. I love the bits that refer to how bad all of them are at this. At how bad CJ still thinks she is. At how she's trying to fix things. At her guilt. Wonderful.
(And all the J/D ones? I love them too. Heee!)
no subject
Date: 2006-06-28 05:40 pm (UTC)I'm extremely bad at feedback, too. So you may not realize how big a fan I am of your stuff. You make me feel a little like Charlie in "Proportional Response." I just came for the bike messenger job! :-)
no subject
Date: 2006-06-29 12:48 pm (UTC)And I'm happy to hear youlike my stuff -- though I admit I'm a hack. I just have the good tasate to be friends with good authors who inspire me to at least try. :)
no subject
Date: 2006-06-28 06:54 pm (UTC)And you killed it! Smashed to pieces! And I love it, in that I'm such a glutton for punishment way, because it puts a whole new section into my file of Things We Never Got To See. You really need to write more CJ/Toby, because you see, you are responsible for creating a void in the canon, so it is only logical that you be responsible for filling that void. Bwahaha, I am so evil.
no subject
Date: 2007-04-16 03:05 am (UTC)Phew, that was close.
Good job. Again. Almost a whole year later.
no subject
Date: 2007-04-16 05:10 am (UTC)I'm really glad you liked it. It's amazing how an episode that was supposed to be all CJ/Danny was such a Toby/CJ think.
That widow scene. SIGH.
no subject
Date: 2007-05-09 07:15 pm (UTC)Thanks for sharing. :)
no subject
Date: 2007-05-10 01:10 am (UTC)