quaggy: Elizabeth looking back at Mr. Darcy (Him)
[personal profile] quaggy
Title:  Inside Looking Out
Category:  Angst
Disclaimer: I do not own The West Wing or any West Wing characters.
Rating: G
Notes:  Companion piece to "Outside Looking In."  Set during the long estrangement.  Remember, since this is told from Josh's perspective, he also is taking on more than his fair share off the blame.   Again, thank you to [personal profile] caz963 being my beta! 



I drink good coffee every morning
Comes from a place that’s far away.
When I’m done, I feel like talking.
Without you here there is less to say.


There’s this song from some soundtrack she gave you for your birthday that keeps playing through your head.  You’re not sure whether it’s a case of irony or foreshadowing.  All you know is that the song fits far too well.  You’re lonely without her.  It’s like everything has less color, less flavor, less meaning.  She’s with you now, but you’ve never been further apart.  You’re still locked away in some dungeon of your own making and all you can do is peer through the bars and wish that you were out in the sunshine with her.

Don’t want you thinking I’m unhappy.
What is closer to the truth?


You tried so hard to protect her.  It was the one responsibility of a more personal nature that you were allowed.  She gave you her loyalty and her trust and so you protected her from Republican idiots, from the DC rumor mill, and especially from yourself and your unruly emotions.

Not that you always did a good job of protecting her from your anger.  You are a callous and vitriolic son of a bitch and sometimes she got hit with the shrapnel.  But she’d just forgive you and invest in more armor.  Now, when you explode at her, she doesn’t even flinch and calmly hands you your ass.  You don’t know anyone other than Leo and your mother who can do that.  But it wasn’t your anger that concerned you the most.

But if I lived ‘til I was a hundred and two,
I just don’t think, I’ll ever get over you.


Your main duty was hiding the way you felt about her.  For her sake.  Because dealing with amorous emotions you don’t return is incredibly awkward.  So you buried your feelings rather that put her in such a difficult position.  You have never asked more of her than she has been willing to give you.  You just never thought there would be a time when your friendship would be a burden. 

You don’t know how she can even stand to work with you.  Twice she turned to you as the next logical step in her career and twice all you could focus on was how much you missed her.  After those initial disastrous encounters, you’ve done your best to keep your distance, because it has clearly gotten harder for you to keep your need for her in check.  For her sake, you have made a concerted effort to show her the respect that she has always had and treat her like the professional she always was.  But you slipped up a little yesterday.  You were too worried about the campaign, your job and screwing it all up, that you just didn’t have the resources to hide from her as well.  And she took care of you.  Distracted you.  Tried to get you to eat.  But you’re not sure what it means.  Was she looking after you because she needed to?  Or was it because you needed her to and altruistically she let herself slip back into the assistant role she came to hate so.

You're not used to me being in a position of authority. I'm sure that's uncomfortable.”

It’s not that you thought she couldn’t accomplish more or that you had a scheme to keep her in her position because it was convenient to you.  You just never took your head out of your ass long enough to realize that she wanted more.  It was stupid of you to assume that she was looking to be Debbie, Margaret or Mrs. Landingham.  You don’t see that career path as anything less than honorable, admirable and even vital, but she does and she’s the one who lived the other side of it.

You should have realized.  You should have taken more of an interest in her future.  Been more of the friend you claimed to be.  Sat her down and found out exactly what she wanted.  Offered guidance and suggested strategies for obtaining her goals.  Not that she needed you or your help to get what she wanted.  Her rise has been meteoric since she cut loose from you.  And you can’t help thinking about how true her good-natured taunt was.

"I meant Will.”

She said it like a joke.  Possibly even meant it as one.  But the truth was that Will gave her everything you couldn’t.  He gave her the job.  He gave her the chance.  And he was the one that gave her the needed push into the deep end, both literally and figuratively.  In the end, you held her back as much as any of her jerky ex-boyfriends.  The moment she walked away from you, she became the person she was always meant to be.  Not that it gives you any pleasure to admit that.

“Can we not make this a thing?”

It was so easy for her to move on.  You don’t blame her.  It was time and past, but you still wish she had clung to you a little more.  Expected more from you than what you offered her as her boss.  But why should she have when you never did?  Maybe the real problem was that you never expected more from her on a personal level.  Hiding your feelings didn’t work.  You lost her anyway.  Maybe if you finally ask more of her, she will offer more back.  Just like she did as your assistant.

You think maybe it’s ok to let your feelings show a little now.  And why not?  Things have changed in the space of a year.  You doubt there is anything she can’t handle any more… even the unwanted adoration of her former… whatever the hell you are to her.  It’s almost enough to make you wonder.  You think you are going to have to trust John, Paul, George and Ringo on this one.  

And in the end…
The love you take is equal to the love you make.

God, you hope so.  Because you’ve never loved anyone more.


_____________________________
Quote List:

1) Colin Hay’s “I Just Don’t Think I’ll Ever Get Over You” Garden State soundtrack
2) Colin Hay’s “I Just Don’t Think I’ll Ever Get Over You” Garden State soundtrack
3) Colin Hay’s “I Just Don’t Think I’ll Ever Get Over You” Garden State soundtrack
4) The Ticket
5) Opposition Research
6) Things Fall Apart
7) The Beatles’  “The End” Abby Road

Thanks to the Political Affairs website for the episode transcripts. 

Date: 2006-06-29 04:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rentypoo.livejournal.com
Thanks, quaggy. That was so sweet.

Date: 2006-06-29 05:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dawnitella.livejournal.com
I'm conflicted with wanting you to finish this for the fluffenutter in me, and wanting you to let them stand alone because they'd be better from a critical level.

Still. Gah's. I give Clettie mu's and I give you gah's. I need a gah, icon...

Really very good, plus you brought the Beatles. I love you.

Date: 2006-06-29 07:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] olsonm-raymond.livejournal.com
Now that's more like it. ;-)

Josh kissed her by accident the first time and then they kissed each other. No thinking on his part which is why fumbled it so badly the next few weeks. At least Donna tried to make something happen.

Alright, so Josh was super busy and stressed out at this time, as if the presidential election is more important than Donna! :-p ;-)

Thanks Quagmire!

Date: 2006-06-29 11:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] olsonm-raymond.livejournal.com
I'm not trying to say that I don't like your fics or that I think I'm totally right (even though I am) just that I can't see it as in the middle. Which is why I shouldn't write a fic on this topic. It would totally end up on the bad-fic rant thread. "I hate these BlameJosh! fics! olsonm_raymond should be ashamed!"

;-)

Date: 2006-06-29 11:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] olsonm-raymond.livejournal.com
I do understand your intentions Quaggy! But this is the only WW topic that can still get me riled up. I can't help myself sometimes. Sorry. You know I'm one of your biggest fans, right? :-/

Date: 2006-06-30 12:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] olsonm-raymond.livejournal.com
I wasn't. I was interjecting my own insanity. :-) Why do I feel like you're going to tossle my hair again and tell me to run off and play like a good boy? :-D

Date: 2006-06-30 12:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] olsonm-raymond.livejournal.com
Yes Keytus Mom! ;-) I should steal Seri's icon!

Date: 2006-06-30 12:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] olsonm-raymond.livejournal.com
Yeah, we're the same age aren't we? But you're a good Keytus mom nonetheless! ;-)

Date: 2006-06-29 07:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] gatsbyfan.livejournal.com
Oh Quaggy, that was just beautiful. And you used one of my favorite Colin songs. That song was just perfect in this story. Again, I'm not a big fan of the song fic, but it works here. And who doesn't like some Beatles thrown in for good measure.

Date: 2006-06-29 08:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] christinekh.livejournal.com
Ah. Yesterday made me wibbly. But this one made me smile, 'cause it ends on hope and hopeful fics are the best. :)

Date: 2006-06-30 12:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] christinekh.livejournal.com
I really did. And I certainly agree that there need to be more fics that explain why they were both so stupid. Glad you decided to tackle it and that you did it so nicely. :)
(deleted comment)
(deleted comment)

Date: 2006-06-30 04:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] imperviousness.livejournal.com
I loved this. You do the whole inter-thought thing very well, -- forgive me, I'm thisclose to going to sleep and I apparently can't clearly express. *G* Excellent writing.

Also, I made a J/D angst mix a while back, and I had that Colin Hay song on it! I think it's so fitting for that time frame.

Date: 2006-06-30 09:34 am (UTC)
kathyh: (Kathyh west wing JD)
From: [personal profile] kathyh
Oh, that last line broke my heart even though there is a hopeful note at the end. I love the way you have them both wishing to break through the wall they've managed to build up between them. Lovely writing.

Date: 2006-06-30 06:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] seri-scribble.livejournal.com
Wow again Quaggy. This works really really well with the other fic. Excellent song choices as well (I now have "I just don't think I'll get over you" stuck in my head).

Smile at my icon (again!) :P



Date: 2006-11-17 10:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] deelaa.livejournal.com
Okay, I finally read this too. I may have read it when you first wrote it but I didn't read it very carefully then. Sometimes I have a pathetically short attention span. I liked reading it this time because I had in mind the conversation we were having about whether or not he felt like he needed to protect her from herself. You have that line in here about how he had to protect her from the rumor mill and himself. I like it, and it is in line with what I was writing abou tthe other day. I'm not sure I agree with every point though, like I don't think I see him as beating himself up as much as he is in this. And it seems you are saying that he thinks she doesn't love him. I don't feel like he was so clear on that... I am of the opinion that he did think she wanted him but at the same time thought he'd be bad for her and felt responsible to protect her from her own poor taste in men(him). Hmmmm... I wonder if when he said she had "no sense about these things" he was in some way talking about her feelings towards him. Of course, in order for that to work you have to buy into my theory that he knew she had feeling for him. Okay, Dee stop reading old fics and analyzing them to death. goodnight!

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quaggy: Elizabeth looking back at Mr. Darcy (Default)
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