quaggy | FF: Inside Looking Out

Title: Inside Looking Out
Category: Angst
Disclaimer: I do not own The West Wing or any West Wing characters.
Rating: G
Notes: Companion piece to "Outside Looking In." Set during the long estrangement. Remember, since this is told from Josh's perspective, he also is taking on more than his fair share off the blame. Again, thank you to

caz963 being my beta!

I drink good coffee every morning
Comes from a place that’s far away.
When I’m done, I feel like talking.
Without you here there is less to say.

There’s this song from some soundtrack she gave you for your birthday that keeps playing through your head. You’re not sure whether it’s a case of irony or foreshadowing. All you know is that the song fits far too well. You’re lonely without her. It’s like everything has less color, less flavor, less meaning. She’s with you now, but you’ve never been further apart. You’re still locked away in some dungeon of your own making and all you can do is peer through the bars and wish that you were out in the sunshine with her.

Don’t want you thinking I’m unhappy.
What is closer to the truth?

You tried so hard to protect her. It was the one responsibility of a more personal nature that you were allowed. She gave you her loyalty and her trust and so you protected her from Republican idiots, from the DC rumor mill, and especially from yourself and your unruly emotions.

Not that you always did a good job of protecting her from your anger. You are a callous and vitriolic son of a bitch and sometimes she got hit with the shrapnel. But she’d just forgive you and invest in more armor. Now, when you explode at her, she doesn’t even flinch and calmly hands you your ass. You don’t know anyone other than Leo and your mother who can do that. But it wasn’t your anger that concerned you the most.

But if I lived ‘til I was a hundred and two,
I just don’t think, I’ll ever get over you.

Your main duty was hiding the way you felt about her. For her sake. Because dealing with amorous emotions you don’t return is incredibly awkward. So you buried your feelings rather that put her in such a difficult position. You have never asked more of her than she has been willing to give you. You just never thought there would be a time when your friendship would be a burden.

You don’t know how she can even stand to work with you. Twice she turned to you as the next logical step in her career and twice all you could focus on was how much you missed her. After those initial disastrous encounters, you’ve done your best to keep your distance, because it has clearly gotten harder for you to keep your need for her in check. For her sake, you have made a concerted effort to show her the respect that she has always had and treat her like the professional she always was. But you slipped up a little yesterday. You were too worried about the campaign, your job and screwing it all up, that you just didn’t have the resources to hide from her as well. And she took care of you. Distracted you. Tried to get you to eat. But you’re not sure what it means. Was she looking after you because she needed to? Or was it because you needed her to and altruistically she let herself slip back into the assistant role she came to hate so.

You're not used to me being in a position of authority. I'm sure that's uncomfortable.”

It’s not that you thought she couldn’t accomplish more or that you had a scheme to keep her in her position because it was convenient to you. You just never took your head out of your ass long enough to realize that she wanted more. It was stupid of you to assume that she was looking to be Debbie, Margaret or Mrs. Landingham. You don’t see that career path as anything less than honorable, admirable and even vital, but she does and she’s the one who lived the other side of it.

You should have realized. You should have taken more of an interest in her future. Been more of the friend you claimed to be. Sat her down and found out exactly what she wanted. Offered guidance and suggested strategies for obtaining her goals. Not that she needed you or your help to get what she wanted. Her rise has been meteoric since she cut loose from you. And you can’t help thinking about how true her good-natured taunt was.

"I meant Will.”

She said it like a joke. Possibly even meant it as one. But the truth was that Will gave her everything you couldn’t. He gave her the job. He gave her the chance. And he was the one that gave her the needed push into the deep end, both literally and figuratively. In the end, you held her back as much as any of her jerky ex-boyfriends. The moment she walked away from you, she became the person she was always meant to be. Not that it gives you any pleasure to admit that.

“Can we not make this a thing?”

It was so easy for her to move on. You don’t blame her. It was time and past, but you still wish she had clung to you a little more. Expected more from you than what you offered her as her boss. But why should she have when you never did? Maybe the real problem was that you never expected more from her on a personal level. Hiding your feelings didn’t work. You lost her anyway. Maybe if you finally ask more of her, she will offer more back. Just like she did as your assistant.

You think maybe it’s ok to let your feelings show a little now. And why not? Things have changed in the space of a year. You doubt there is anything she can’t handle any more… even the unwanted adoration of her former… whatever the hell you are to her. It’s almost enough to make you wonder. You think you are going to have to trust John, Paul, George and Ringo on this one.

And in the end…
The love you take is equal to the love you make.

God, you hope so. Because you’ve never loved anyone more.

_____________________________
Quote List:

1) Colin Hay’s “I Just Don’t Think I’ll Ever Get Over You” Garden State soundtrack
2) Colin Hay’s “I Just Don’t Think I’ll Ever Get Over You” Garden State soundtrack
3) Colin Hay’s “I Just Don’t Think I’ll Ever Get Over You” Garden State soundtrack
4) The Ticket
5) Opposition Research
6) Things Fall Apart
7) The Beatles’ “The End” Abby Road

Thanks to the Political Affairs website for the episode transcripts.